Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?