My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*