The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
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Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Bringing home a sharpie
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.