Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
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Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
But I really needed water water water
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
sin harder.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.