love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
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My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My therapist after every session
Always…
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.