Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
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I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs