[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
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Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.