rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
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The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My dad teaching me to drive
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…