Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Bike for sale
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?