what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
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Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.