me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
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Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.