70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.