Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
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Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
I occasionally drink every single night.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
こいつ天才
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?