batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
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“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”