I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Krampus.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.