Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
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Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.