[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
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One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
it must be school picture day
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
this will hang in the louvre one day
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’