[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
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“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.