Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Print is alive and well!!!
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job