The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
You Might Also Like
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.