Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
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Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic