My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
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I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.