she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
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Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever