If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
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There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.