It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
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*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake