There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
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WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
finally found a reasonable question
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.