[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
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In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
What personal space?
My dog
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?