Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I put the h in mysterious.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Story of my life…..
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.