She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
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Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”