You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
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I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
“We will wed,” I threatened
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”