“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
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Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.