I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
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“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention