If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
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Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Passwords are more important than ever.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is