Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
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her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.