You’ll be OK
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[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.