Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
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If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I need to update my racial profile.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.