Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
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If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
How did we not see this back then?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Beware of fowl play.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol