i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
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My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.