Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
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Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Denise please return my vape pen
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.