I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
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I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels