Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
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“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.