It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
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People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.