librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
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[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
This made me chuckle.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
somebody come look at this
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.