I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
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My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what