Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
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Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
my mind
You just read my mind
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it