i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
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The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.