Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
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Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
That earthquake could have been an email.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.