Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.