Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
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My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no