A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
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Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸